RE4 on Crack

Chapter four: Close Encounters of The Bovine Kind (C.E.T.B.K)

The two American agents had left from the village, following a path that took them through a small farm. Leon instantly sensed danger within the area since the creepy background music began to play. He ran off towards a nearby house and took care of the villagers within, leaving Kyle to take on the two in the barn.

Once finished reloading his shotgun, Leon ran back to his partner. "This is pretty easy. I mean, after all the hell they gave us back in the earlier chapters, you'd think that…?" Leon trailed off as he stood observing his partner.

Kyle was standing beside a cow, eyes wide as she looked at it in shock. "Mr. Cow, have you been abducted lately?" She poked it with her gun, only receiving a deep moo in response.

Leon jumped over the fence, now standing behind the great beast. "Uh, Kyle? What are you doing?"

"Cows are evil," Kyle answered, not even pulling her gaze away, "They work with aliens."

"Uh…sure they are." Leon chuckled nervously. "Kyle, are you alright? S-should I be worried right now?"

"Remember when Hunnigan kept warning you about me?"

"Err…yeah."

"I suffer from stage 3 randomness. It's a pretty harsh thing, but I manage."

"Stage 3 randomness? Err…do you really expect me to believe that? That's not a real thing-GAH!!!" Leon screamed at the sight of yet another dog. "Oh no! Not another one!" He pulled out his Shotgun and aimed. "Be gone Satin!"

"What?" Kyle had been playing with her army knife the entire time and when she turned to look at Leon, the blade ran across the cow's side. Giving a loud agonizing moo, the cow in question suddenly kicked Leon with its back legs.

Leon was sent flying across the field…and smack into the dog. The dog snarled at him as he got up. Leon began to cry. "Fuck…"

"I'll save you!" Kyle ran up and grabbed Leon by his legs, proceeding to drag him along with her as she made her way towards a gate. "Don't mess with dogs, Leon. They eat babies."

"W-what?!" Leon flailed around, digging his nails in the ground only to leave small tracks in the dirt. "Let me go, Kyle! Are you insane?!"

"No! Don't call me that! My therapist said I was special! There's a difference!" She stopped and slung Leon against the house, slamming him back on his feet. She stared at him, her eyes narrowed in hatred.

Leon began to sweat. Maybe this girl really was out of his league. As he stared at her, awaiting some kind of remark about her not being crazy, the cow from earlier walked over, mooing with a mouth full of grass.

Kyle looked over and screamed in joy. "Hamburgers!" she pulled out a grenade and tossed it under the bovine. Grabbing ahold of Leon's hand, the two ran off beyond the gate exit.

***After Passing the Gate***

"Let me go, crazy woman!" Leon snatched his hand away from Kyle as she stared up at the sky. "Kyle! What is wrong with you?! Have you forgotten about- -"

BOOM!

Kyle grinned. Leon's jaw dropped and he slowly looked upward. Small bits of cow began to rain down. The male agent side-stepped out of the path of the bloody rainstorm, snatching his partner over with him.

Leon grabbed Kyle by the shoulders and began shaking her. "Kyle, can you hear me?! You need to snap out of it! You're gonna get me killed, you crazy redhead!"

Kyle must have snapped out of it. She looked up at the male agent and shoved him away, fixing her jacket. "Don't you ever put your hands on me again, Leon." She looked over the blood bits on the ground. "What happened here?"

Leon fell to the ground, his eye twitching. "A-are you serious? One minuet you were focused on the mission, and the next thing I know, you're acting like Foamy the Squirrel! Blowing up cows, saying dogs eat babies- - all that stupid shit!"

Kyle helped him to his feet and chuckled. "My apologies. Did Hunnigan tell you that I suffer from stage 3 randomness? I sometimes go into a mode of…shall we say…stupidity?"

"That's NOT a real thing!"

"Whatever. Now's not the time to argue with you. Come…we must find the subject."

Leon watched his partner walk off down the hill. He sighed and ran to keep up with her. "Just what kind of drugs are you taking, Kyle?"

***At Some House***

"Damn those villagers and their fucking trip-wire bombs!" Leon shouted as he used a mixed herb to heal himself. "I hope this gets out blood."

"When you've finished pampering yourself, feel free to follow me inside, Leon." Kyle huffed in frustration after kicking open the front door.

Leon muttered something incoherent and proceeded to follow, shoving her out of the way and going back to take the lead. "YOU are MY partner, Kyle. YOU do what I say…got it?"

Kyle didn't respond.

Leon backed away. The last time she didn't respond on time, a cow got blown up. "Uh, Kyle? Are you alright?"

The redhead simply walked up to the male agent, spun him around and yanked something from off his back. When he spun back around, he screamed. Kyle was gripping onto a big-ass poison spider.

"You should be more careful, Mr. Kennedy," Kyle slowly closed her fist around the spider, crushing it within her hand and tossed it aside like trash, "The smallest things can cause the biggest of problems."

"Yeah, like you smokin' weed, right?"

"Goddamn it, I don't smoke weed!"

"Well then, you smoke crack!"

"Nor do I smoke crack!"

"Then why the hell are you so fucking bipolar?!"

"I'm not bipolar! I suffer from stage 3- -"

"That's not a real thing!"

"Yes it is!"

"Not!"

"Is!"

"We're filming, for gods sakes!" the director shouted from her secret location, her voice echoing within the house.

"Okay, okay! We'll stop arguing!" Leon fixed his coat and continued to lead the way throughout the house. After pushing aside an old bookcase, he began to hear a pounding noise. "Did you hear that?"

Kyle smirked. "NOW who's on drugs?"

Leon ignored her and ran down the secret hallway, taking the sharp turn at the end and finding a closet…that appeared to be shaking. He slowly walked up to it and hid behind the door. Kyle stood afew feet from the door with her weapon held high.

With a single nod, Leon unlocked the door and pulled it open. A body flung out and landed to the floor with a hard 'thud'. The body turned around on its back and stared up at the two agents. It was some Spanish guy in a vest and pants. His hands were tied behind his back and his mouth was tapped up. He shook his head as Leon walked over and knelt down beside him, swiftly ripping off the tape.

The man hissed in pain as the tape ripped off. Leon looked over the tape and snickered. He had ripped his mustache clean off. "Uh…sorry about that."

"It's okay," The man sighed, "I was in need of a shave anyway." He looked over his shoulder at Kyle, who was untying the rope around his arms. "Are you into bondage, little girl?"

Leon shuttered. "Please don't get her started. She's WAY out of your league…trust me."

The man sat up after the last knot was pulled out. He rubbed his wrists as he continued to stare at Kyle. "Oh, how can you be so sure?"

Kyle balled her fist. "Try anything, and I'll slit your throat."

"Ooh, nice! She's a fiery one…I like that. Tell me, sweetie…are you kinky?"

"Eww, that's enough!" Leon got up from the floor, dusting himself off. He remained quiet for a moment, then looked down at Kyle. "…Heheheh……Kinky Kyle."

"Shut up, you pervert!"

"Aqua Teen Hunger Force, baby!"

The three turned and looked towards the exit. Two villagers had walked in and had taken either side of the room. From behind them, several large footsteps began to boom from the darkness.

"Perfect," the Spaniard sighed, easing away, "The big cheese…"

"What?" Leon looked back at him, then quickly towards the villagers. Emerging from the darkness, a towering 6 foot tall villager stepped forward, dressed in a large poncho. His eyes appeared to be different colors and gave off an eerie red glow.

"Well, I'll be damned," Kyle smirked as she aimed up her gun. "It's fucking King Kong- - Leon, No!!!"

Leon had suddenly rushed towards the village chief and swung his leg at him through the air, hoping to pull off a successful high kick. The chief grunted and caught Leon by the foot with one hand, stopping him dead on from making contact.

"Aww Shit…!!!"

Leon was flung into the air, practically going in slow motion. He fell backwards on top of Kyle and the Spaniard they had just rescued, knocking them both out cold upon contact. Leon howled in pain and staggered to get to his feet. Unfortunately, he passed out, but not before hearing an eerie voice within the darkness…

"Let us give them…our power…"